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Cake day: June 2nd, 2023

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  • Ah, family— mainly my parents. Had a revelation that they’ve been financially abusive throughout my life and that’ll continue after college. I’m at the point though where I could list other traumatic happenings throughout life that this just feels like life slapping me in the face for “funsies.” They’ve been abusive/neglectful in many other ways so it feels… “normal,” at this point.

    After a week of being back in my college town, I feel psychologically safer and I feel like I’m managing my short term issues while planning ahead more, so… I think I am in a better space. My concern in the far future is whether to even stay with them and save up money for a year— if the house doesn’t foreclose by then. Basically.


  • Feeling more sane now that I’m out of the environment causing me stress, but aware of the one year timeline I have before getting put into the same environment.

    There’s a lot to do. Prob need therapy— no, I know I do lol. At least I know that friends are supportive and might be willing to help me stay out of the environment, even though I haven’t told them much because these issues are still something I’m processing. I just realize that if I shut people out of my life, as rough as it is right now, the end results of losing community and support is worse.

    Just can’t let my depression thoughts get to me— it’s paralyzing. But like I said, being out of the environment has definitely improved my mental health, and I feel like I have a bit more control again over my life.


  • Fighting thru depression. I feel like I have every reason to be proud of myself and excited for the future, but life seems to whack me in the face with another shitload of problems (that aren’t necessarily in my control, but will heavily impact my lifestyle negatively if they go haywire). The things I want to control aren’t in my control, and that urge has been so insufferable and making me miserable.

    Logically things that are within my control are going well for me, but I’m self sabotaging and then resenting myself for not doing more than I can right now lol. Like I’m stuck in my bed or spacing out: I don’t even know what makes me happy right now. Can’t think of play, only work.

    For example, doing a design volunteer project. Technically got promoted to design manager. I’d rather not take the promotion when I feel like shit, but it’s also like, take the opportunity because resume for a soon to be grad will look nice. (Didn’t have much of a choice though because we’re halfway through the project, and need a design manager, so it would’ve happened either way…) But it’s like pulling my teeth just to get stuff done… And somehow I’m still one of the more active people on the project aghhhhhh

    But yay, on the resume, I guess. I’m just lacking a lot of motivation right now. Part of me feels spoiled for not feeling grateful for this opportunity, but I keep arguing with myself that my health matters.

    Idk. I was supposed to have a psych appointment to get antidepressants, but there’s was a clerical error that pushed it out a month. Wonderful. I’m just trying to survive each hour as best I can. Rant over.

    Dunno how much of this made sense, my brain feels so dumb right now.

    I hope that, wherever anyone in is life right now, they’re holding on. Seems rough for most folks right now and… Frankly I suck at encouragement, but the one thing helping me hold on is knowing I’m not alone in this feeling, and that there are people out there who are supportive. Maybe it’s not obvious who’s out there, but I believe there are supportive people out there nonetheless.



  • Summer break started less than a month ago, but it’s feeling a bit like summer blues. One more year left and I get to graduate. It hasn’t hit me.

    Tried to get an internship, didn’t realize that all the internship applications I was looking at were due the same day as my interview for that one internship… And didn’t get the internship lol. But they seemed interested in having me apply for the fall, so we’ll see! Currently in a volunteer program as a designer, so it’s not like nothing’s happening career wise. Plus I’ve been trying (with some depression hiccups) to study extra skills outside my design program, so I hope to get a bit of a leg up from my peers.

    I’ll most likely have two jobs next fall. The second job is basically lined up for me. …Aaand maybe an internship on top of it. I think I’m being ambitious again and uh, we’ll see what happens? (ᵒ ᵕ ᵒ٥)ゞ

    Also going to Seattle next week to meet some old friends! I’ve never been there so I’m excited!


  • Worked almost 40 hours for spring break. As much as I hate working during my break, I think it’s ultimately a blessing: I’m getting out of an internship that I don’t like sooner rather than later.

    Now it’s back to the grind. Somehow got most of this week’s assignments done already, but I know a couple of things that will kick my butt later this week. Hopefully it doesn’t mess with me too much.

    I want to get ahead and work on outside projects because I know I can’t rely on my current program to help me get into my career. And I’d like to network more with the local community, but I gotta plan ahead and manage my time better, haha… Things are just rough right now with two jobs.

    There are a lot of worries piling up in my head right now. I think I need to rest.


  • Burnout. Gotta sacrifice some of my Sundays hanging out with my bf. A lil sad bc he’s the only person right now on my life that has free time(ish). 🫠 Then the rest of my week is busy. Saturdays are workdays. Mondays–Thursdays have a mix of work, schoolwork, and homework.

    And I’m looking for summer internships, and trying to find skills to work on in the meantime. Not sure how much time I have to prioritize this stuff though. But uh… I need to find a job asap once I graduate. I dunno.

    Life has been tough. I’m hoping summer will be easier.


  • Recovering from burnout. Personal life happened, an anxiety spell took over me, and school continued on. But things are slowly being put back together. I think I’ll be okay. Even if at times I feel like I’m alone, I’m reminded by my friends that I’m not. Guess it’s a habit to think that way. Breaking out of it.

    Also I met a unicorn. Dating said unicorn. Feel very happy. c:


  • Hope y’all feel better soon!

    Had a lovely anxiety spell take over me the past couple of days, but I’m working on solving the issues that are causing said anxieties, bit by bit. At least the weekend will start, though my internship now seeps into my weekends… Don’t look forward to Saturdays as much as I used to. But Sunday, I’ll be hanging out with a friend. And then I’ll be hanging out with someone I really like. ⌯’▾’⌯ Trying to be optimistic and get work done so that the anxiety lessens.


  • I feel tired, but in a good way. Met up with more friends, ate good food, and had fun. My friends were kind enough to treat me a bit since they uh, understand my current financial position as broke college student™.

    But I got good news this week: I now have two jobs! One being the internship, and the other is a student desk job (aka I get paid while doing homework type of job). It’ll be busy, but it should be manageable. So I need to budget a plan to visit a friend this summer and pay some of my loans again (considering that I’ll finally have some money to do so). Haha…

    Other than that I’ve been studying again. Working on a community project for my career path, and figuring out my presidential duties for my club (club funding due date is approaching).

    I still have about two weeks of break left, but it feels like my vacation is done. And honestly…I’m good with that. I feel like this was the most mentally productive break I’ve had in years. (-◡-◍)



  • primscha @beehaw.orgtoChat@beehaw.orghow's your week going, Beehaw
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    8 months ago

    Weird, but not overly bad. Still burnt out from last semester and can’t believe that it’s already been a week in for winter break. Time passing has been a relief and a stressor, with me contemplating how to best use my time when most of it has been used up by me constantly napping… at least so far.

    Met up with two friends. One is gonna be my coworker soon, and we really got along! Hung out for about eight hours chatting… He might be in charge of me and the rest of the interns though, so we’ll see how our hangouts go in the future. We plan on hiking before he has to return to work.

    Christmas has been interesting. My parents made a croissant filled with Nutella and sausages. Random quips and complaints thrown about. No big fight though, so that’s nice. We almost had no gifts because my mom was worried about money, but decided to shop the day before Christmas Eve since I was going out anyway to meet my friend. I reminded her about my wishlist (the third or fourth reminder) because I didn’t want her to randomly buy me clothes that I would never wear for the umpteenth time.

    I’m beginning to think that I need to slowly take over the cooking and baking in this household. And driving. And cleaning. I mean, it’s a household of adults and aging parents. I want things to get better, but I need to create a plan with my siblings — which won’t be happening soon, because everyone is having their own struggles with depression and finances. .-.

    I didn’t mean to make this existential. But Christmas is my reminder of the good and bad times with family. I hope to have a Christmas that reminds me of why I used to love this holiday… I’m trying to make the best of this break without letting my worries get to me.

    Edit: I forgot to add in the midst of my rambling. Happy holidays, everyone! I hope y’all are doing well and/or are making it through this time of year.



  • We got another email clarifying the situation, and they state to submit “anticipated funding requests.” I’m just skeptical because I know the student union can be messy, and my club is fairly new. I’m sure it’ll be fine, it’s just… pretty abrupt. I also just feel pretty tuckered out, so I’m complaining. (ᵒ ᵕ ᵒ٥)ゞ

    Turns out they did spend all their money from this semester. ._. I can’t exactly blame them on that though. I’ve heard there have been more budget cuts.


  • Long update ._.

    I got the internship offer! ✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧ One step towards my dream career! I haven’t processed it yet. I haven’t processed any festive vibes, either.

    I blame this lack of processing on the semester being a train wreck. Last school year was like a bus hit me. This year…train.

    Drama! ಥ_ಥ Burnout! ( ꒦ິ◡꒦ີ) Homework hell! ತ_ತ Long class hours! (☍◡⁰) No money or work! ¯_(ツ)_/¯

    As always, whenever I reminisce on my growth (pains), there’s a heavy amount of regret and gratitude for those grueling moments. I can’t believe this period of my life is almost over. And now I’m moving on to the next phase of my life, building my career.

    It’s funny… A few years back, I would never have thought I’d make it this far. I didn’t think I had a future. I couldn’t imagine one. And yet I made a choice to go to uni— and everything slowly but surely began to change in my life for the better. Just because I kept… trying to make better choices for myself once I found a safer environment to be in.

    I mean it was hard. Becoming a board officer for a volunteering club, getting into my program, reviving another club and becoming president, working when I could, finding my own projects outside of the program to work on… In these moments where I often felt like I was dying, it looks like I was actually living lol. Does that make sense?

    (Anyways, enough with the sentimental stuff. Though it’s warm and fuzzy.)

    My winter break doesn’t seem like much of a break, so I’m somewhat concerned.

    • the student union implemented a new funding process in which all clubs need to know their funding needs throughout the entirety of next semester. They told us this just a few days ago. Do they seriously expect us to plan out each event and to properly predict things far in advance? And during school break? Honestly, they probably spent all their funding this semester .-. but this…is not a smart solution.
    • I’ll be studying html/css for my internship as a just in case. It’s a very interdisciplinary job (which I love ⌯’▾’⌯). But it’s mainly about using Figma and prototyping.
    • gotta catch up on my Figma learning and practice making UI components!
    • need to work with a developer on a website redesign for a nonprofit!
    • will be working on an MFA full res and low res ad campaign.

    But… There should be room to have fun in all that, right? ( ᵒ ᵕ ᵒ ) I wanna hang out with a friend and good god I need a break.


  • I finally hit a small moment of freedom from school. For the first time in months I can breathe, just a bit, from burnout. Although there’s more to be done, the most important tasks vanished from my sight… for now. ;-;

    Did an internship interview and it went really well! I ended up talking to one interviewer afterwards for thirty minutes, and I got the vibe that I’m one of their better candidates. I’ll know if I got it by the next or following week.

    Cut off my friend who was an ‘ex.’ It was relieving. Words cannot describe the exasperation, confusion, and disappointment I felt about him throughout the whole relationship, including pre/post romantic period. Trying to clarify communication/boundaries/issues with him felt like constipated diarrhea and the Jackie Chan meme on repeat.

    I’ll be celebrating my Mom’s bday tomorrow which just so happens to land on Thanksgiving. Had Friendsgiving last week. ⌯’▾’⌯


  • I got my first ex lol.

    It’s alright— it was a relationship where we both understood the feelings are new and we’re both inexperienced, but in retrospect all communication fell from there lol. Aaand I think it’s still falling.

    So. (ᵒ ᵕ ᵒ٥)ゞ Let’s see how much of it can actually be settled…

    Otherwise life has been a piece of shit because of burnout. So much is happening around me that I know I’m succeeding at, but I’m having a hard time acknowledging my success. The fear and exhaustion is seeping in. I’m hoping I can recover soon! …Because a lot feels like it’s at stake. (☍◡⁰)

    Good luck to everyone 🫡


  • Going back to the dorms on Friday. It’s a yay/nay situation. Love my friends there. Hate the amount of the work that has to get done. But gotta think on the positive end to keep me going. (Or just… think less to make it easier on the mind lol.)

    Today I went to an awesome local coffee shop/bookstore. It’s so beautifully decorated with unique displays and niche items. It captured a very cottage core theme while also having a surprisingly wide variety of books. God I’m gonna miss that place. I really want to go back. Has everything I want in a bookstore… There’s a whole bookshelf filled with architecture and graphic design books I want to get.

    Then I got to go to this cute little park/outlet. I’m not sure how to describe it— it’s a small area with a treehouse playground that’s walled off. And I got to see a fire show of sorts. It’s been a fun, exhausting day. Nice way to end my summer break.


  • Ehh, surviving. It’s not bad but I feel like I should be doing better.

    The toll of family drama/finances is getting to me and I’ve found myself spiraling into old habits. I keep reminding myself to not let it get to me. I’m hoping to move out and get an apartment near my university but… Well, of course it’s easier said than done.

    I know that being a full-time student is like a full-time job, but I’m considering getting two part-time jobs just to save up. But with my two other extracurriculars, keeping up my social life, and sleep— yeah, I’ll burn out at this rate.

    I just feel like there’s so much at stake, in both the short term and long term future, that I can’t sacrifice anything. I’m scared of getting something ‘wrong,’ but I know that no action is the worst action to take right now.

    So that’s my long explanation as to why I shouldn’t be procrastinating and how I’m struggling with procrastination.

    I dunno. Any tips on how to change my environment up a bit to keep my focus? Or something to keep me sane. So far the only safe space I have is my own room. ._.

    (Driving is not really an option since I’m still practicing.)

    Ah, I am planning on baking a tres leches cake though over the weekend. It’s something to shake things up.


  • Saving up. Getting a summer job has been harder than expected, especially since I thought I’d have my job over the summer… But I know it’s not the end of the world either. Just a little bummed out. Maybe I can still find something but I’m not holding my breath— at least I have a bit of money coming in from a design commission and selling off a phone.

    Still reading. Picked up the book Haroun and the Sea of Stories. Studying and searching for UI and graphic design internships to take in the fall. Been practicing chess daily. (Not great at it but it’s fun.) Practicing driving. (Which is a whole other story I could get into…)

    But right now I feel slow and antsy. I’m hoping something in life turns around soon… Atmosphere in my house feels too heavy. It’s a sleepy and hot summer.