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Cake day: July 4th, 2023

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  • Conservatives: super worried that a 17yr old might see a nipple and be forever “corrupted”.

    Also conservatives: let’s force small children to read and know by heart a book that has:

    GENESIS

    4:17 Cain marries his sister? 4:19 Man “took unto him 2 wives” 12:13-19 Man prostitutes wife 16:2-4 Wife to hubby: “go in unto my maid” 17:9-14 “Ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin” 19:1-8 Rape virgins instead of male angels 19:30-38 “Righteous man” impregnates his 2 daughters while drunk 20:2-12 Man prostitutes wife again 20:12 Woman married to half-brother 22:24 Bible’s first “concubine” 24:2-3,9 Place your hand “under the thigh” (sexual organs) of someone swearing sacred oaths 25:1-6 Keeping mistresses is not adultery Ch. 29·30 Sordid tales of surrogate motherhood 30:3 Woman gives handmaid for hubby’s sexual use 30:9 More sordid marital triangles 32:25 God grabs Jacob’s testicles 34:1-31 Brothers are riled when sister is defiled 34:25 Circumcised men “were sore” 35:22 Man sleeps with father’s concubine 38:8-10 Onan’s method of birth control (withdrawal ejaculation) not approved 38:12-30 Woman “plays the harlot” to seduce father-in-law 39:7-20 Woman tries to rape man 47:29 Man ordered to place hand under father’s thigh

    EXODUS 4:25 Mom cuts off son’s foreskin with (ouch!) stone 20:26 God specifies building of altar to prevent exposure to nakedness 21:7-11 Female servants can be used for sex 21:10 Rule permits polygamy 22:19 Death decreed for bestiality

    LEVITICUS 12:1-8 Bible calls childbirth a sin 15:16-18 Sperm and intercourse are unclean 15:19-33 Menstruation unclean; elaborate rules 15:29-30 Women require sin offering for menstrual periods 18:22 Homosexuality declared an abomination 18:23 More bestiality 19:20-22 Man gets forgiven, slave girl gets flogging 20:10 Adulterers shall be put to death 20:13 Death decreed for homosexuals 20:15-16 Death decreed for bestiality (human & beast) 21:9 Burn whore-daughters of priests 26:29 Curse: Eat your sons and daughters

    NUMBERS 5:11-31 Fidelity test (belly rot) for women only 25:1 “People began to commit whoredom” 25:4 “Take all the heads of the people, and hang them up before the Lord” 25:6-8 Holy man impales woman through her belly 31:17-18 Virgins raped as war booty

    DEUTERONOMY 21:10-14 God okays captured maidens as trial wives 22:5 Men’s clothing not to be worn by women & vice versa 22:13-21 A bride not a virgin must die 22:23-26 Virgin raped in city given no pity 22:28-29 Paying father to have sex with daughter 23:1 Man “wounded in the stones” (testicles) can’t enter congregation 23:2 Children born out of wedlock condemned as bastards to 1Oth generation 23:10-11 Nocturnal emissions discussed 23:12-14 Defecation: Carry paddle, dig hole, & cover up 25:5-10 Woman has sexual cause to spit in man’s face 25:11-12 A woman shall have her hand cut off for touching a man’s penis 28:27 Hemorrhoids (“emerods”) a punishment for sin 28:30 Lord’s curse: Another man shall lie with groom’s bride first 28:53-57 Curse: Eat your own body & children

    JUDGES 3:20-22 Dagger in fat king’s gut gets “dirt” out 4:21-22 Hammer & nail murder by woman 8:30 Gideon had many wives, concubines Ch. 11 Virgin daughter sacrificed to God 14:20 Samson gives away wife to another man 16:1 Samson “went in unto” harlot 16:4-19 Biblical game of S & M 19:1-30 Woman raped and ruined by homosexuals 21:6-25 Amidst carnage virgins captured for wives

    RUTH 3:6-9 To “hook” him as a husband, Ruth sleeps with Boaz. (4:9-10 Boaz buys Ruth)

    I SAMUEL 1:5-11 Lord “shuts” & “opens” womb 2:8 ”The Lord … lifteth up the beggar from the dunghill” 2:22-23 Priests’ sons copulate at door of tabernacle 5:9-12 Philistines “smitten with emerods” (hemorrhoids) as punishment for stealing ark 6:1-5 To placate God, make golden hemorrhoids 18:25-27 200 foreskins gain David a king’s daughter 25:22,34 A subject never mentioned in sermons

    II SAMUEL 3:7 Concubine hanky-panky 11:1-27 Uriah murdered so David can get his wife 12:11-12 Obscene performance to be viewed by all Israel 5:13 David had many wives, concubines Ch. 13 Amnon rapes his sister 16:20-22 Absalom rapes father’s concubines on rooftop 20:3 David imprisons concubines for above

    I KINGS 1:1-4 Virgin as therapy for sick old man 3:16-28 2 “harlots” feud-sexist tale 11:1-10 Wise Solomon has wives and concubines galore, promiscuous with “many strange women” 14:10, 16:11, 21:21 A subject never mentioned in sermons

    II KINGS 6:28-29 “So we boiled my son, and did eat him” 9:8 A subject never mentioned in sermons 9:30-37 Unspeakable assassination of Jezebel 23:7 Male houses of prostitution destroyed

    I CHRONICLES 1:32-33 More concubines galore

    II CHRONICLES 11:21 King had 18 wives & 60 concubines

    ESTHER Ch.1-2 Sexual contest for new queen 1:11 Queen asked to “display” body for men

    PSALMS 45:10-17 Wily seduction by promiscuous Solomon

    PROVERBS 5:3 “Lips of strange woman” warning 7:5-27 Intemperate warnings of “strange” women 30:20 Adulteress “eateth, and wipeth her mouth”

    SONG OF SOLOMON 5:4 Man touches woman’s “hole of the door” and “my bowels were moved for him” 8:8 Little sister has no breasts

    ISAIAH 3:16 “the Lord will discover their secret parts” 9:20 Every man shall eat the flesh of his own arm 14:21-22 Slaughter children for fathers’ iniquity 16:11 Bible boast: “My bowels shall sound like an harp” 36:12 Eating dung and drinking piss

    JEREMIAH 16:4 Grievous, obscene deaths

    LAMENTATIONS 2:19-20 Something to lament 4:10 Women boil children for food

    EZEKIEL

    4:12-15 God says: Eat bread defiled with dung 5:8-10 What’s for dinner? 8:2 Lord’s loins make guest appearance 16:15 Fornications pour out 16:36-37 Their “filthiness poured out … ” 23:1-40 Grisly tale related of two sisters who are whores 23:20 Sex organs and ejaculate of harlot’s lovers compared to asses & horses Ch. 24 Lord orders lewd “woman” boiled into “scum” 29:7-8 God performs bloody castration via a sword

    HOSEA 1:2-11 God tells Hosea to take whore to wife 2:1-15 Complications ensue (lewdly described)

    NAHUM 3:4-6 Lord: “I will discover thy skirts upon thy face”

    MALACHI 2:1-4 Angry god will spread feces on your faces

    MATTHEW 5:27-30 A man may lust, but it’s not just 5:31-32 Man can divorce wife for fornication 19:3-9 Man who divorces and remarries is adulterer 19:12 Castrate yourself for Jesus 22:24 Woman must marry dead husband’s brother

    LUKE 2:21 Eight day old Jesus is circumcised

    ACTS 8:38 Eunuch baptized 15:24 Circumcision is not commandment 16:3 Paul circumcises adult

    ROMANS 1:26-32 Gay man and lesbians “worthy of death”

    I CORINTHIANS 6:18-20 Abstain from extramarital sex 7:1-40 To be more holy, refrain from sex wholly 7:18-19 If you’re not circumcised, stay that way

    GALATIANS 5:1-4 Paul speaks against circumcision

    I TIMOTHY 3:2,12 More than one wife OK, except for bishop

    REVELATION 17:1-16 A drunken whore is stripped, eaten and burned

    Source https://ffrf.org/other-2/x-rated/












  • I suddenly had the scene flash through my head: OP stands in a dimly lit and smoky cantina holding a gun pointed someone sitting at a table and says, “You stole my identity!”. Antonio Banderas setting at the table with his feet up, drops his feet to the ground and leaves forward so that his face comes into the light and he says intensely, “It was not theft! I only became the you that you could not be!”.
    OP says, “That’s unfortunate because that me is dead.”, and pulls the trigger.

    I don’t know why it has to be Antonio Banderas, but it does.

    Also, as bad as the idea is, it’s still 10 times better than the premise behind Face Off.









  • It was a bad day for America when schools stopped teaching home ec. We once had a friend live with us for a couple months who cooked eggs in a Saucier (sauce pan) full of oil. She kept the pan on the stove and every morning she would reheat the oil and essentially poach 2 eggs in a half a gallon of oil.